Filling the Canyons

wow

2006-03-13T12:53:00.000-08:00

I haven't blogged on this site in forever I think I am going to start doing it again. SO uh yeah.... thats it for the moment...

later?

ok....

2005-09-07T23:42:00.000-07:00

i need everyone's opinion on this one...and i know all of you who read this....so you might as well just answer the question and leave a comment. Do you like this site http://canyonsfilled.blogspot.com better or this site http://xanga.com/jeankeller better? just let me know! later gators...

too many thoughts to write...

2005-09-06T13:39:00.001-07:00

But I will fill you in on a little bit of my life. I have been really busy the last few days just learning how to be a Cracker Barrel waitress instead of a The Siding waitress...haha. My first day completely sucked! I messed up a gillion times...no one was happy! But Sunday I did very well and today I did well too. I am starting to get into the swing of things...makes me happy :o)

My home life seems crazy. I feel like no one really understands...sometimes Guy...but not really. Dad and Mom are so stressed right now just looking for work and trying to figure out our housing situation... I think it is time for me to try to move out...and my mom agrees. So That is one thing I am still considering at the moment.

School is pretty easy... I just get irritated because it seems like all my profs hate religion though. So it is hard to back up what I believe...but good for me at the same time.

I got to go out to breakfast with Jessica and Angel yesterday...and their boyfriends...that kinda sucked cuz I am single LOL...but oh well I got over it. Then I went and had some hotdogs with Kevin at his little campfire...then I got to see Never Been Kissed with the Jodry girls :o) I love that movie...we had a blast!

Well as far as what I am leaning lately... I really have no idea...I guess just to be organized and patient. Aside from that it seems like everything is just happing all at once.

thats all for now...later gators

woot!

2005-08-29T10:03:00.000-07:00

Last night was so much fun to me! I had some people stop by after church... lets go alphabetical order haha... Chris,Elisa, Kara, Kevin, Micah, and Rachel! We went to East End...woo hoo for ice cream...and then played the card game B.S. which was so fun! I think it is hilarious how people get so caught up in that game! After they left Kevin helped me clean my car...HAHA it was pretty dirty so I was happy that he kinda made me :o) Thanks Kevin! Thanks to all you other awesome people for coming by! I seriously love you all and I think we are the KEWLEST group of people! haha have a good one! Later gators

God Provides...

2005-08-27T10:13:00.000-07:00

So I was thinking yesterday...How am I gonna get through my financial burdens? Right now it seems so impossible to ever get out of this hole that I am in. And I have a bill that is coming up this week so I was kinda panicking cuz I didn't want to lose my car. Well today I got a check in the mail from Springhill...it looks like they made some mistakes and owed me some money. SO... I got a $120 dollar check in the mail!!! WOO HOO...unfortunatly all of it has to go to my bill...which makes me really sad lol...but then again I am happy that God provided me with what I absolutly needed to get by. My God's cool like that :o)
later gators

so busy!

2005-08-23T14:41:00.000-07:00

My life seems SO busy! haha I got a job yesterday and I am now a Cracker Barrel waitress! I also started school yesterday so I know things are going to begin to get hectic. last night I went to the guys softball game and they completely ROCKED! They won all three games and got the trophy...it was so intense.

Today I have one more class...dumb psychology lol...doesnt start for another 45 minutes so I am trying to figure out what to do in the meantime. Hope you all have an AWESOME day... lol

No deep thoughts in my head today...sorry to dissappiont you all lol
later gators

GRRR!

2005-08-22T22:56:00.000-07:00

Ever just wanna kick yourself something horrible? I am so upset with myself....grrrr

Because He lives I can face tomorrow...

2005-08-22T13:24:00.000-07:00

Man, life right now just seems so difficult. I KNOW I am supposed to go to school this semester...but I dont have the job to provide the money for gas at the moment. I cant get my fafsa papers filed because not only have they NOT sent me my pin number...but there site has been down according to my lovely computer. So I am just trying so hard to trust God right now. I dont want to give up trusting Him...I know He has this under control...but I do wonder why He isnt allowing for this to be a little easier.

Lately I have been realizing more and more about relationships. Looking at the guys I have liked in the past...I have all liked them for a specific reason or another...there really is no simularities between them. Well I got to thinking..I really dont have a "type" of guy...does anyone really have a type? "Oh well he (she in all the guys cases) just isnt my type." I am now realizing we are not to be searching for the right type...but for the person who best serves God with us. I need to be waiting...not looking...waiting for the guy who is going the same way as I am when it comes to the plans God has for me. I need to be waiting for the guy who says "I think we really have the potential to serve God as one". Seems that when we look for relationships in these days we tend to put the "I"s and "me"s into it too often. I want to look for the potential to serve first...and when that comes into place I KNOW that there will be more to it...the romance and the love will follow. It is just a whole new perspective on relationships to me and I am pretty excited about it. I am also satisfied and content to wait for whoever it is that God has for me to serve with.

It is funny...right now I feel as though I really have nothing. But at the same time I am the happiest I have ever been...all because Jesus Christ loves me and is the Hand that holds me.

The Creator and Sustainer of ALL things, seen and unseen...
is the Lover of my soul...
how unworthy I am

To be equiped...

2005-08-17T12:57:00.000-07:00

I was reading the other day in Hebrews 13:20-21 and it said (to paraphrase) "May God equip you with everything good you need to do His will and may He work in us what is pleasing to Him through Jesus Christ."

I want to be equiped with everything to do His good and perfect will and what is my prayer for the moment. I want my life to be used in a way that is glorifying to Him. I want people to know that I love him with all of my heart (my desires) all of my soul (everything I am) all of my mind (every thought) and all my strength (every breath in my body). I know it is such a high goal...but I truely want my life to reflect Him and Him alone...I want Him to be my identity.

I am seeing right now how difficult it is to first of all want to do the Lords will. Then once it is wanted it is hard to see where you actually take it. What moves do you make to accomplish it? Once you know what He wants...it can sometimes be even hard to do it.

How does one accomplish such things? Pray pray pray! Read read read! And keep your eyes open for whatever He may have for you. I have learned that it is just no use in havin your own plans. Tomorrow He could take away everything from you...or He could give you things you never knew were possible to obtain. So why plan for yourself? That is why He is here to help you go through the moves you must to obtain His will. Our life here on earth is only a glimpse of what is to come and if you are not prepared to serve Him here...how do expect to serve Him in heaven?

Just thought I would share with you what the Lord is doing in my life! Share with me what He is doing in yours if you like!!!

God Bless! later gators...

hello everyone!

2005-08-14T20:55:00.000-07:00

Sorry it took me so long to post something on here! I have been so super busy! God has taught me so much! I feel like He just took me out of my life and showed me how much I didnt like who I was...I mean I have so much more potential then I give myself! I have not been living up to all I can be and I know that it is time for some changes. I am just hoping and praying that I can live my life completly for Him!

Here are some things that I have learned or been reminded of..sorry I cant expand more on them

*God is not a feeling...He is constant. I get so sick of people saying "i just dont feel God lately" well He never promised that you could feel Him all the time...but He did promise to always be here...so live everymoment for Him even when you cant feel Him.

*God laughs at me for trying to make my own plans...nuff said on that haha

*Also God used me in so many ways I didnt know He would/could until after the fact...another reason to always be serving Him because you never know how He will use you!

well that is all for now...there is more than that...but most of you can just ask in person if you would like! later gators....

5 reasons you know you worked at springhill

2005-08-11T15:01:00.000-07:00

*You find yourself saying "oh aint that funky now" when you get annoyed

*When asked "Did anything exciting happen today?" you include "I showered"

*You know what savory is (yuck)

*You consider it a privelege to do laundry

*Everytime you hear "Brian Hiatt" you have the sudden urge to clap 5 times....

haha I am home everyone!!

Wanna hear one of my friend's songs??? here ya go...

2005-08-06T00:46:00.000-07:00

Heartbeats & echos by bye friday

the silence in room can give a cuncosion, you realize your alone these walls aren't much for conversation. that piercing thought in your heart reviles so much about you. Storys of a love and of nothing of any value....I can tell nobodies watching,I can see nobodies staring, i can hear and no one is listening, what to choose? is this worth dieing.(repeat). my little light don't fail me now, even if i surrender into the clouds. Shine bright as a morning star and carry me back home. You know i feel thier presence around me, they seranade me with the most tempting of songs. It could drive you crazy to know what i know, the world behind these strange echos.

Nemo you rock :o)

I AM AT CAMP!

2005-07-05T07:43:00.000-07:00

leave me messages if you want...miss and love you all!!!!!

some thoughts...

2005-05-20T18:37:00.000-07:00

After the last entry I put... I did some thinking. There are two people n my life...who I can talk to and confide in...and they dont expect me to be more or less than I am...and they already know who they are because I made sure to let them know(within this last week) how much I appreciate all their time and effort. Thanks you two :o)

Jamie, my brother Guy, and Zach and I all went to see STAR WARS EPISODE III!!!! IT ROCKED!!! It was a lot more depressing than I had anticipated it to be....but it was all very exciting at the same time! We stood in line from 9:45 pm on wed till 11:30...and the movie started at 12:01 AM on Thrusday! The whole theater cheered when it started...was completely silent for most of the movie...except for a couple of parts that you couldn't help but laugh...and then applauded at the end! It was so fun. OH YEAH! When the doors opened (when we were standing in line) Jamie yelled really loud "YEAH!" and you could hear the line (which wrapped around the side of the building) yell "YEAH" all the way back! It was so fun! Thanks Jamie for taking us!

Well as of right now I am babysitting...so I am gonna scram....catch ya'll later!!!!

I am gonna go crazy!

2005-05-16T11:09:00.000-07:00

I am going crazy being in my house!!! I woke up this morning to my mom yelling at me! ARG! So I got up out of bed...to do her a favor...discovered I have no gas in my car and no money in my wallet....so I have been using her van all day. She just keeps getting more angry at me for things out of my control. Then I got on the computer to vent....and its not working so I am at the library right now. I just can't believe how ridiculous she can be...I get up earlier...to help her with some things, I even run Guy all over the place (including kokomo) and she STILL finds a reason to be mad at me! As if I dont have my own life or my own things to do... I dont mind doing these things for her...I just want her to appreciate them. I am already stressed enough with getting ready for camp and sorting things out. PLUS we have some major major drama going on in our church right now and I just can't take it anymore! I just want to sit down and vent and cry or something. It's not a good day for me to talk to angel...cuz I know she is having a hard time right now (I love ya girl) and I can't talk to Jamie cuz he is at work...so all ya'll get to read it instead. Ever want to just sit down and tell someone...just one someone...everything thats going through your mind without them judging you... I feel like most of the people in my life do that. The listen to my problem or whats going on...and the only thing you want them to do is tell you it will be ok or that they know you are trying your best...instead they decide to make it worse and tell you all the things you could have done better or all the things you did wrong...EVEN THOUGH YOU ALREADY KNOW THE THINGS YOU COULD HAVE DONE BETTER OR THE THINGS YOU DID WRONG! Does anyone know what I mean? I just feel that ALOT of people expect ALOT from me...and I know it is because they all have big goals and expecatations for me...but once in a while I would just like someone to talk to who expects nothing from me. Anyway.. I am done venting...have a good day...

wow

2005-05-13T10:38:00.000-07:00

I havent written on this thing in a long time...sorry! Well I have been super busy trying to get ready for this summer! I am so pumped about going to the camp ground for the summer....the only thing is... I am going to miss people here so much! Not only my church and work friends....but I will really miss Jamie and Angel...I will miss Jessica too but it's not so hard to miss her because she is gone most of the year anyway. I can't even imagine not spending this summer with Angel...her and I see each other almost everyday and tell each other almost everything! This summer we are going to miss out on so many details of each others lives...kinda sad...but it will be a good growing experience for us both. I think we are the kind of friends who can go a while without talking and still be as good as gold the next time we see one another. Then there is Jamie...he has done so much for me and is ....dang words can't even describe him. I just know how much I care about him...now more than ever. Everyday it gets closer to camp I realize how much I am dependent on him... So this summer has a lot of good things...and sad things...and unanswered questions...but I know that God is in control and that whatever happens will be to His purpose and plan. Please be praying for me!!! Later!!!

Chad Heller!

2005-05-06T11:58:00.000-07:00

HEY HAPPY BIRTHDAY KID!!!! thanks for 7 years of friendship :o) it's only the beginning though!

It's Official!!!!

2005-05-03T12:22:00.000-07:00

I am leaving for springhill camp on June 7!!! I seriously cannot wait! I will be working in the kitchen mostly but also I will be involved with kids when I am not doing kitchen work. I just can't wait to do this!! Just to do something for someone else...and not for me!

Well this Friday I have to have a mole on my hip removed...it has been bleeding for no reason and is about 3 times bigger than it was originally...so pray for me if you get the chance! Well I am outta here...if ya love me leave me a message! :o)

THIS IS FREGGIN HILARIOUS!

2005-04-27T14:28:00.000-07:00

You just have to watch this...lemme know what you think....
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/numa.php

work work work

2005-04-27T07:25:00.000-07:00

Sorry I havent been blogging too much lately. I have been so busy! Yesterday I worked from 10 am- 10 pm at the restaurant and I thought my legs were gonna fall off. I have to do that today and Friday as well...and on Thursday and Saturday I am working too...not to mention the elementary school...so ya'll should come see me at the restaurant :o) hahah

see ya

simple

2005-04-22T08:56:00.000-07:00

You can live a small, simple life...and still be the happiest person on earth. Doesn't matter how many friends you have, as long as the ones you have love you. Doesn't matter how big your family is...as long as they care about each other. Doesn't matter what kind of money you make as long as you enjoy it. Doesn't matter if you go to far away places and big cities, because sometimes the things you do effect the environment around you in big ways. In the end...everything you didn't do...just really didn't matter, as long as you did it all to your best...and to the extent that God wanted you to go.

Its a beautiful day in the neighborhood

2005-04-16T13:46:00.000-07:00

... Yes it is just absolutely beautiful outside today. I spent part of the day walking around with Angel and then watching a chic flick while trying to sew up some of our jeans and make them into capris...which by the way turned out very cute for both of us :o)

Guy and I finally named the puppies...if you know us...we are like star wars FREAKS so here are the names of our puppies (we only had one )...

Han Solo
Qui Gon Jin
Chewy
Anakin
Wicket
Padme

There ya go! Lets see what else is new...

Nothing that I can say yet at least...I might have something big coming up this summer but I still have to make sure 100% it is what I want to do. So pray for me... by the way Jamie and Angel thanks for encouraging me to do this :o) I love you two so much!!! haha the rest of you will have to wait and see...

Angel died her hair and it is such a cute red color! It is a different color red than mine but I really like it...Her and I are trying to get more fit for the summer and we are hoping to be comfortable enough to wear shorts by the time we go to Indiana Beach! Isn't that right Angel? power! WOOT! lol

Jamie's Radioshack store was the number one store in the nation last month! They sold the most out of every store in America by about 10,000 dollars! Jamie you guys rock! I saw the list myself...and I think it was the top 50...they were the only store in Indiana on it! Jamie and I have been watching the matrix cuz I had never seen it and I really enjoyed it...I like the movies that you have to pay attention to in order to understand. Oh by the way Jamie...thanks for being the sweetheart that you are :o)

well folks I cant think of much else to say..so have a good one!

here ya go Micah....

2005-04-14T20:16:00.000-07:00

What if we dont see the same colors.... I mean...ok lets think here. Lets say that there is the color blue...but it really looks red to me and green to you but we just all call it blue...does that make any sense? How do we know we all see the same things...maybe we dont...there that's as much thought as you will get out of me for now.

I dont have any thoughts for now...

2005-04-14T13:15:00.000-07:00

ok this isnt gonna make sense...or will it?

2005-04-10T15:42:00.000-07:00

You ever feel like you are just not doing your best for God? I mean..people tell you you are doing great....but deep down you just KNOW that you could do better...even if it was just a little better. Then you talk yourself out of it "no..I am just fine..I am doing SO much better than that person over there" but if you think about it...how do you know? How do you know it is ok just to do 98%? What if that person "over there" is doing 100% because that is all the more mature they are. POINT IS: Just because people tell me I am maturing and doing well..doesnt mean I should stop there... I need to pursue what I know to be true...God's Truth.

~It's the long lost Chad!~

2005-04-08T16:44:00.000-07:00

I HAVENT HEARD FROM THIS GUY IN SO LONG :o) some of you know who he is just because I have talked about him a lot. Thing is ...havent talked to him in a while and we caught up! This is Chad Heller :o) good friend of Jean Keller hahaha!

http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=my_disease

Those of you who have no idea what I am talking about...Chad and I met at CGB conference in...what...like 98? (Correct me if I am wrong Chad) so we wrote back and forth...and I am not talking emails or rinky dinky lil letters...I am talking 6 pages front and back of our deepest thoughts and funniest moments in life :o) Nice to talk to you again Chad...looking forward to catchin up!!!

READ THIS!!!

2005-04-05T22:09:00.000-07:00

if you read thisyou must post a memory of me. it can be anything you want! it can be good.....or bad. just so long as it happened. then post this on your xanga, and see what people remember about you!

"what the heck is she talking about?"

2005-04-05T16:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Elisa and I went to warsaw to see Ryan and Adam and it was tons and wads of fun :o) Found out that I suck at golfing...pretty good at softball...hacienda's food makes you tired...and ducks travel in couples. (I like to talk to ducks too)...hahahaha if only you could have been there. by the way Elisa... HOO HAHA! ;o)

hun dee dum

2005-04-03T18:51:00.001-07:00

I have gained like 15 lbs since January and it is really gettin me down lately. I hate it cuz I feel like nothing fits the way I like anymore and all I ever wear now are t-shirts cuz I don't feel very cute...BLAH

other news...

I dont know if I told ya'llthis but our dogs had puppies again...6 of them. I still have yet to name them but I will let you know when I do ;o)

I have had this tune that I made up swirling around in my head...put some words to it...still have to expand on it...its kinda cheesy if you dont here the music

I can't live without you...in my life and I dont want to live without everything you are..please just stay...stay here....with me.

ANYWAY lol

I have been spending lots of time with Jamie and Angel. Angel and I went out the other night and did our norm of Steak and Shake and Walmart...fun times. Jamie is cooking dinner for me right now :o) Isn't he sweet? haha... I tried to make him dinner last night but I know it wasn't any good. HAHAHAA

The Quicks had me over for lunch today which I thought was super nice cuz my family is gone and I wasn't sure I would do for food. HAHAHA... I mean my parents didn't even leave me milk... I couldnt of had a bowl of cereal if I wanted!!! After that Angel and I walked around...ate some ice cream and then fell asleep...real productive eh?

WELL I will get back with ya'll later... I am kinda just typing in circles...LATERZ!

SORRY!

2005-03-31T22:09:00.000-08:00

I am so sorry I haven't blogged in a WHILE! hahaha

Lets see...I have been busy mostly working and when I am not working I am chillin with Jamie or Angel it seems. Although last weekend was cool because a whole buncha the gals from church made dinner for our missionaries from Germany (who are now moving to Ohio to pastor a sister church). Thaty was super fun cuz KARA WAS HOME! :o) It was so nice to see her..she seemed to have so much fun in Ecuador and I was glad she could go... I can't wait to go and see her at CU soon....Rachel and I got to go out on Tuesday and chat. I love the Jodrys :o)

Angel and I did something completely crazy. Those of you who know where buisness 31 is...know that there is a bridge basically in between kmart and buisness 31. WELL if you look at your side (Right on your way in to town...left on your way out) you will see an old railroad track crossing the river...like a second bridge, only for trains. Well Angel and I decided we just HAD to cross it. And it had to be at night...with flashlights...cuz that just made it that much more exciting. Everything went well...until we got onto the road and I fell in a road and twisted my ankle...you knew something like that just HAD to happen. We were actually pretty chicken about being on the bridge. It is just a bunch of wooden planks and in between each plank is a gap...so you can see down into the water. REALLY CREEPY! hahaha Anyway...high five to my girl angel for being just as crazy as me! LOVE YOU!

The weather this week has been gorgeous! Guy and I went on a picnic on Tuesday! It was so nice..I love my brother.

Yesterday Jamie and I spent most of the day outdoors since we had most of the day off. I think the best part was being silly on the trampoline. He is so freggin sweet :o) Angel and Jamie and I also went up to the fort last night and that was fun too. Unfortunately today was FREEZING!

WELL i think it is late and I will have no memory of what i have typed in the morning HAHA...so talk to ya'll later!

something that got me thinking

2005-03-27T23:20:00.000-08:00

Tonight Jamie and I were talking about some things and the subject of hate and love came up...I said "How can I love someone who absolutely hates me?" and he said " Why don't you ask Jesus" that just blew me away...I didn't even think about what I was saying. I am so thankful that Christ died for our sins and that He loved me even when I didn't love Him. Thank you, Lord, for giving me Your love, grace, and mercy. My heart is Yours.

Im Back

2005-03-23T18:48:00.000-08:00

I have been back since monday...I have just been so busy that I haven't had time to blog...but I am so glad to be home. I actually missed Indiana...being away made me love it even more. HAHA I will blog soon though..later!

My time away...so far

2005-03-20T17:28:00.000-08:00

Jamie and I left on Thursday...

THURSDAY

We got to the airport around 3:30 and figured we had time to spare at TGIF's...HAHA...ended up we were the last two on the plane and couldnt even sit with each other...oops. I sat next to this guy who basically told me his life story, while Jamie sat with a guy whose daughter was SPOILED!! haha Once we got to DC we had a lay over. It went a lot faster then I expected it to. The flight from Washington DC to Norfolk was so cool. To see all the city lights lit up at night was just breathtaking. We got to Norfolk...ate some McDonalds and chilled with Ricky (Jamie's brother) and Cassie (Ricky's wife) for the evening. (We are staying at thier apartment while we are here.

FRIDAY
Got up and first thing we did was head to the beach. I almost had tears coming out of my eyes once we got there. It was so pretty...so breathtaking. I hadn't seen the ocean in over ten years and it was about time to see it again :o) We fed the seagulls which was hilarious to wacth. Then we headed to Olive Garden and then to the Zoo. They have a nice zoo here...clean...but kinda small. We all headed back for a good nap. Then we went to this ritzy restaurant called "P.F. Chang's" It was like..chinese cuisine... everyone there was so dressy and here I was in a tshirt and jeans. The food was perfect though! After that we got some starbucks and headed back to the apartment to watch "The incredibles" which is an awesome cartoon!

SATURDAY
Got up and went to the Dollar Store...we were gonna feed the seagulls again...we just wanted to do it right. We bought about two grocery bags full of stuff to feed them and it was great! Jamie and I walked up and down the shore looking for shells for me to take home as well. Then we headed to an ice cream shop called Coldstone...it was awesome! Basically you tell them what you want in your ice cream and they make it there right in front of you! It RAWKED! lol The best thing on Saturday night was going to a comedy club called the Comedy Zone. It was so funny! I tell ya the people here are pretty high class though..feel like I dont belong being a silly lil podunk waitress and all ;o)

SUNDAY
Cassie made an awesome breakfast, pigs in a blanket...but they were the best I have ever had. We went to the aquarium here! It was so cool...I have never seen one so big, almost as big as the zoo..so many fun things to do and to learn. We then headed over to virginia beach and I decided to be daring. I got my belly button pierced...I wasn't scared until I sat down in the chair...then I was thinking "You are such an idiot Jean!" haha it hurt for a little bit but now I can hardly tell it's there. Then we all went out to dinner...and now... they are all sleeping. Well Jamie just woke up...but that's all for now. I will let ya'll know how the trip home is. later gatorz! :o)

Lately part II: this time it's not Lately part I

2005-03-16T07:53:00.000-08:00

HAHAH those of you who haven't seen strongbad's Dangeresque II....you need to see it in order to understand my title :o)

Chloe vs. Mary Jane

So I did look like Chloe...for a little while...but then Angel decided on Friday not to die HER hair red...but to die mine. Ever seen Spiderman? I have been told by a TON of people that I look like her. HAHA I guess it really doesnt matter as long as I can look like some hot chick out of a comic book right? So those of you who have seen it...tell me what ya think.

St. Patricks Day

Tomorrow is St. Patricks Day!!! and I am going to VIRGINIA!!!!!!!! :o) I CANNOT wait... it is going to be so great to get out of town and be away from here. Not to mention I am going with one of my favorite persons! (Thanks Jamie I owe you big!!!)

Sigh of Sighs

Sometimes I get in these really deep moods where I just think WAY too much. It's hard not to think about how much my life has changed. I went from seeing Kevin everyday of my life...to only seeing him in church. I am so happy now, the happiest I have ever been and I am glad things worked out this way. I just hope he is happy too. I feel like I have grown up so much...and I am thankful that God has led me to this point in my life.

Church it

I have been so involved in church lately and I am really liking it! Choir used to be my priority but I haven't been able to make it because of work...I am also on the fellowship commission. I really enjoye that. Basically anything that is serving food..I am one of the people behind the counter helping out. It is really nice to be apart of that blessing. Just knowing you are serving the Lord in little ways. I also have been working with the youth group, which has not only brought me closer to the youth...but some of the youth staff as well. I also have been helping out with the Bible clubs after school and I love working with the kids. I get to sing a duet with Ruthie..and it is gonna rock :o) Sure it all takes up time and effort in these things...but they are rewards within themselves.

My Homefries

This week Jamie and Angel have pulled through for me so much...they were days that I was so down and they just completely helped me. I am SO thankful for them. I thank God for them everyday. Thanks you two I dunno what I would so without your love and patience :o)

The Boss

I am so thankful with everything God has given to me. He teaches me more and more everyday and I am just praying that I can be made in His likeness. Somedays are harder than others... but I am so thankful He is holding my hand through every part of every day!

Chloe

2005-03-10T18:53:00.000-08:00

So...have you seen smallville? I got my haircut..and I have been told it looks like Chloe's...probably not as cute though...I would do anything to look as cute as her ;o) HAHA but I like it..easy to manage...hope all is well with everyone... here is some pics of chloe...my hair is a lot like hers. :o)
http://www.kryptonsite.com/allisonmack.htm

"I don't skinny dip..I chunky dunk" ;o) hahaha good times angel...good times!

My weekend

2005-03-07T10:37:00.000-08:00

Sorry it has been a few days since I last wrote. This weekend was pretty good! On Saturday I went to a women's breakfast at the church and it was pretty fun. Food was good and so was the speaker, Ruthie. She talked about the differences between men and women...and we had a few good laughs. The Angel and I grabbed some grub before I went to ohio. I took Jamie with me to Ohio for my aunt's 60th birthday...pretty fun! Yesterday was a GORGEOUS day outside. I went bowling with the youth group and got a 109!!! go me...that is like..really really super good for me. Angel and I went walking and it was so nice. We sat on a hill and talked forever too...its nice to do simple things like that. Here are some things we decided to do within the next year...simple things...

*go on a picnic
*go camping
*go golfing...haha that one will be hilarious
*sleep under the stars
*go to Indiana beach
*build a tree house....HAHA I know I know...we just arent willing to give up the kid inside of us yet!

Jamie and I watched secenes from Star Wars episodes I and II last night...gotta get ready for III!!!! CANT WAIT! It is just gonna be so awesome...the whole concept of Star Wars is perfect lol...nerd in me coming out.

Today I went to lunch with a high school buddy and it was nice to catch up. I think I am gonna hang out with Angel too... she is kinda down and I just wish I could take away her stress...wish I had super powers lol... She means so much to me...I dont think she really has any idea how much she means to me. I love you Angel :o)

I am going to Virginia in 11 days!!! I can't wait to go..never been to the east coast before. Jamie is taking me to meet up with his brother and his brothers wife. It will be awesome times.

Well leave me a note and let me know how ya'll are doing! Later Gatorz!

I love this song

2005-03-04T14:31:00.000-08:00

this is a great song!!!

http://www.lyricsondemand.com/d/
dashboardconfessionallyrics/handsdownlyrics.html

but my fav part is this...

Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember,I'll always remember the sound of the stereo,the dim of the soft lights,the scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers and the time on the clock when we realized it's so late and this walk that we shared together.The streets were wet and the gate was locked so I jumped it,and I let you in.And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist and you kissed me like you meant it.And I knew that you meant it,that you meant it,that you meant it,and I knew,that you meant it,that you meant it.

it's not the same until you actually listen to it :o)

Lately

2005-03-02T22:31:00.000-08:00

HAHA ok so Tuesday I was at steak and shake with Bill and Angel...and Angel looks down at her menu which says "Bean Crock" and she just ..loses it...i mean...laughs so loud to the point everyone is staring and Bill and I cant help but laugh. I know it doesnt sound funny..but I thought I was gonna bust a gut! I love you Angel you make me laugh :o) *homestar voice*

Today I ate Chinese food with Jamie and watched "saw"..that movie...is so...i dunno just crazy and nuts and fregged up! I loved it though...am I morbid? Jamie is so sweet..I love being around him!

Call our to Sarah and Bill.. i love you two :o) hehe

Another note to JP

2005-02-28T22:45:00.000-08:00

Sorry that I didn't get to see your show...I truely am sorry and I just want everyone to know that I still think that you are very cool....AND THAT PEPSI IS THE WORST FLUID YOU COULD POSSIBLY EVER PUT INTO YOUR BODY! have a grand day :o)

Rainy Days

2005-02-28T22:38:00.000-08:00

Today was a rainy cold day...just made me want to sleep..and be lazy. So that's what I did :o) I went over to Jamies and stayed there basically all afternoon and evening. First we watched Family Guy..which is freggin hilarious!! Zach came over and we ate pizza and watched Napoleon Dynomite cuz he hadn't ever seen it....but I ended up falling asleep cuz I have just seen it so many times! Then we watched more Family Guy and then we just listened to music and talked...which is like my favorite thing of all time to do! It was a lot of fun..very relaxing! Oh and we randomly got some ice cream...and pigged out on it. HAHA Thanks Jamie you are so fun :o)

Blessings

2005-02-26T12:43:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was kinda down... I dunno why sometimes I just get thinking about things and I get downhearted. But then God always pulls me through somehow...

Yesterday the Quick brothers invited me to go shopping with them. I thought it was so nice of them to just ask me to get out and do something...they didnt even know how much it meant to me

Last night Sarah and Bill gave me flowers and a card and a cd to replace one that had been stolen. I cried...just not in front of them lol. It was just the sweetest thing! thanks you two!

So yesterday my day was just filled with awesome things.

Angel and Jamie...I love you guys so much :o) you dont even know!

I haven't hung out with Kevin outside of church for one month as of yesterday. It has been weird...and I never knew I would make it this far...but I am actually ok now. It actually feels like he has been "out of my life" for longer than that and I am just thankful that God has helped me through this. I couldnt do it without God...I wouldnt be able to even go on without God. Hey, God...thanks :o)

...

2005-02-23T23:32:00.000-08:00

So tired of doubting myself

My Immortal
by evanescence...

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried
I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream
I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

This applies to a couple of different ppl in a couple of different ways..I know thats weird...but true...I am just lost tonight

JLK's UNITE!

2005-02-22T11:53:00.000-08:00

hahahaha...ok so i have a friend named Josh...he has the same initials as me...JLK... he comments on here every once in a while. But last night we went for a drive and caught up...we haven't done that in a while...we used to all the time so it was nice to just talk and laugh and be our stupid selves. Did you know that reading cereal boxes can be used as a substitute for riddlin? LOL Josh you crack me up...

I didn't mean that God was a theif in my last blog..I meant that sometimes He allows things and you just have to deal with it. But He is an awesome God.

Well I have to clean clean clean! have a good Tuesday ya'll! Tomorrow night is smallville!!!!

gurg

2005-02-21T22:43:00.000-08:00

Today I discovered that someone had stolen 3 cd's from me and the only 5 bucks I had. Kinda sad..but humbling...don't know why God does things...but I just gotta go with it.

So many things to think

2005-02-20T23:07:00.000-08:00

WOAH

Today my car almost rolled over....it was on two wheels...made me think A LOT about people in my life and how much I care about them. I thought I was gonna seriously be injured but the Lord spared me :o)

I drove past Kevin's house tonight. I don't know why. I just havent forever. Maybe I thought I would find something...something to miss...or something to want. But it is gone now. I am over it...and I am moving on. I just pray that he is doing as well as I am. Sure...there are days I hurt...but I really am content.

Jamie and Angel...you two rock...where would I be without you?

Tiffany came this weekend! I love her soooo much!!!

Bill...I know our friendship is new...but you are pretty cool and I appreciate you!

ALL my church family...means the world to me :o)

Joshua... I know I pick on you sooo much...but you really really do rock! Thanks for being my pal!

I LOVE MY FAMILY! I really really do...Mom you are fun! Guy you are so sweet and goobery...Dad I look up to you more than anything! I will always love you all the most!

Quick Shout Out!
Micah...thanks for sitting with me in church today LOL I thought I would have to be a loser by myself ;o) you are sweet...Elisa...can't wait to see you on Tuesday! Love ya girl!

Tonight
I got to go to starbucks and watch movies with Rachel and the Christner gals..it was really really nice! I think I am starting to open up to all of them more. :o)

More later...

My Weekend

2005-02-19T18:32:00.000-08:00

My weekend has completely rocked!!! I have spent it mostly with Tiffany (shes here for the weekend!!) and I have spent lots of time with Jamie and Angel and Guy and we even saw Bill..more details later ...gator :o)

things we realize...

2005-02-16T21:45:00.000-08:00

Angel and I were thinking...

We save and save and when we have five bucks to finally spare...we go to steak and shake...get a couple of shakes..and talk about how broke and how fat we are....

We don't lose our car keys...we lose the actual car...

When we are single...we actually get along better it seems like...cuz we aren't so caught up in the guys :o)

We are gonna be crazy old ladies who will get away with anything and everything....

HAHA later :o)

Tell me what you think

2005-02-15T11:56:00.000-08:00

Someone told me that in order for me to be loved by someone else...I have to love myself first. This just doesn't click in my head right...isn't it wrong to love yourself? And if it is ok..what is the limit...when is it considered selfish or arrogant? I mean...the only worth I have is in Christ...so without Him..there is nothing to love. Tell me what your thoughts are about all this...

Psalm 1:1-2

2005-02-14T22:19:00.000-08:00

Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the ungodly nor stands on the path on the path of sinners, nor sits in the seats of the scornful. But his delight is in the Law of the Lord and in His Word he meditates day and night...

Hmm I was thinking... The blessed man is the one who meditates on the Word of the Lord..day and night...that means like...at least twice a day #1=day #2=night...and I have trouble trying to do my devos once a day....

Little Old Man

2005-02-14T11:37:00.000-08:00

I went to a mexican restaurant over the weekend. IT WAS SO PACKED! I mean there was hardly room to stand while we were waiting on our table. (I was with Adam, Meg, and Daniel). Well..this little old man was trying to get through the crowd. He was probably about 4'7'' or 4'8'' and you could tell he was very intimidated. He couldn't make his way around people...he struggled enough just walking in a straight line. No one was moving out of the way...he just barely could hold himself up in this sea of people. Man my heart went out to him. So I went over to him and asked him if he wanted an arm to hold onto...and I held my arm out. He grabbed on as quickly as he could without saying a word and as soon as he was out of the crowd he looked at me...with his calm gray and eyes and said "thank you miss...I am fine from here on..." and he went on his way. I went to go sit at my table and Daniel just stared at me. I was like...uh what? Daniel said "i think you made that mans day". When I thought about it..I think that little old man was the highlight of MY day. Just made me think about how the people of my generation just have no concern for their elders. I couldn't imagine being so intimidated by so many people...it was just nice to help him out....

Just some things to think about I guess...or me rambling LOL

one more thought

2005-02-13T22:51:00.000-08:00

Prayer is the most powerful tool we as Christians have...honestly...just to have the honor of speaking with the Creator just blows my mind away....

Tough weekend...

2005-02-13T21:50:00.000-08:00

The student from Holman, Cody, died this weekend. It was really hard..I found out at church...and I was with a huge prayer group...so everyone got to see my tears. VERY VERY sad...

I miss Kevin so much. Not that I want to be back with him...because I know this is the way it must be...but I just feel like this huge chunk of my life is gone and I don't even know how to react to it...

It was just a sad weekend...

Prayer

2005-02-12T10:18:00.000-08:00

Please pray for a 4th grader at the school I work at. His name is Cody and he is in critical condition and on life support at the time being. The doctors say he won't make it...but I know the power if prayer. He is one of my buddies...so please just pray.

tooo funny!

2005-02-12T10:17:00.000-08:00

" Oh no!!! It's missing a dink!!!"

"Jean, quite sputting!"

I can't ever think of a title...

2005-02-09T20:40:00.000-08:00

Oh wretched mind, why must you question what the Lord has given for you?
He has provided you with everything you could ever need...and still you want.
Oh sinful heart, how long will you turn from His ways?
He has made you whole...and still you let the things of the world shatter you.
Blemished body, why must you lust after the things of this earth?
You must remain pure and holy for His purpose.
Oh wandering eye, where has all your focus gone?
He has given you words to read, and still you find other things to look upon.
Cursed lips, why must you speak of such unpure things?
He can over take the doubts that travel from your mind to your lips.
Lost soul, why do you not turn to the Redeemer now?
He is there with open arms and to wrap you in His love.

Oh wonderful Salvation, why did you ever choose me?
I seem to stumble everyday, but I am thankful for your saving Grace.
Oh my God! Why do you tolerate my human ways?
I am so thankful for the peace and patience you bestow upon me now.
My dearest Lord, what could you possibly see in me?
I would be nothing but worthless if it were not for You.
Oh Spirit divine, do you know how comforting you are to me?
You calm me in my hardest time and help me to trust.
Jesus Christ my Savior, do I tell You how much I need you?
I need you more than air itself, more than anyone I will ever meet.
Awesome I Am, why did you create me?
I am here to be whatever it is you want me to be...

Lord I am your vessel, take my life where you need it to go.

insert foot in mouth

2005-02-08T11:26:00.000-08:00

There is a guy that comes into the Siding just about every other Tuesday. I usually DO NOT like waiting on him. He is extremely cute with gorgeous blue eyes, about 24 years of age...but he never smiles and makes you feel like you are two inches tall. Well today he walked in...sat down. I was really busy but I did my best to take his small order and check on him every ten minutes (he was there for about an hour). He didn't smile for the first half of his visit and then he seemed to lighten up. By the end of his lunch he was talking to me and smiling. When he left he looked me straight in the eye ...which I have to admit startled me a little...and said..."You are the only waitress who checks on me this much and makes sure I am comfortable" I paused...almost dropping the pot of coffee (i dont know if I was taken by his blue eyes or the fact that he was nice). I replied "So...that's a good thing...right?" (LOL GOOD ONE JEAN!) and he looked at me in a flirtatious way and said "A VERY good, good thing" he handed me four bucks, chatted some more and smiled when he left. After I thought about it...maybe the reason he never smiled or was nice before was because he just didn't get good service..or waiters just misjudge him...at any rate... I was embarrassed that I misjudged him.

Lesson learned...have a nice day ya'll!

another blog to JP

2005-02-07T22:36:00.000-08:00

It is on my conscience to tell you that I forgive you for your false worship to the Pepsi god. I except you as a person..yet I can not support your decision to worship in this manner. Therefore...consequences are to come about. Next time we play monopoly...I WILL SHOW NO MERCY! You thought you were trampoled on this time? Wait till we meet again...glorious victory will be mine...AGAIN! :o)

*you know you love me this way*

Billy, Mrs. JP...you may want to stay out of this game...and hide...this could get ugly :o)

Those of you who have no idea what is going on...Monopoly wars are in the making...haha

God provides...

2005-02-06T22:21:00.000-08:00

sometimes all you need is one person...just to let you know they love you...I had that tonight. I hear people tell me it a lot...that they love or care for me or are praying for me. It is like...my love language...words of affirmation. Well someone told me that tonight...they loved me...just when I thought I would break down in tears. They said they always had and always would love me in Christ's perfect love...and that I meant a lot to them....and it had never been said before by this person. It meant the world to me...because I hold them dear to my heart. And just to know..that they care and are one of the many people praying for me...makes me so happy. So thanks...you know who you are :o) And thank you to all the others who show me daily that they love and care for me and are praying me through!

my weekend

2005-02-06T22:17:00.000-08:00

My weekend was so fun! Krista, Kara, Rachel, Jordan, and I had a blast! We were constantly laughing and made so many jokes! NAPOLEON DYNOMITE WAS AWESOME! We quoted it all weekend! The ride home I was sooo tried...but seriously...thanks you guys for an awesome weekend! :o)

Cedarville

2005-02-05T21:56:00.000-08:00

I am having an awesome weekend here at cedarville! Last night Rachel and Krista and I got here (we came to see Kara) We went to an awesome talent show...lots and lots of talent...and we watched napoleon dynomite which is the funniest movie I have seen in my life. Then we kinda just lounged around and chilled. Last night our friend Jordan decided he would join up with us..so he came here this morning. We ate brunch (good food) went to walmart..cuz i forgot some essentials LOL...and we also went to a place called...Youngs Dairy Farm, which has awesome ice cream and some good burgers too. :o) Then we headed back to the campus and watched some good basketball games. I usually don't get into basketball...but somehow cedarville spirit was in the end, and they won *grin*. I met some new people when we headed back to the lounge and played apples and apples...they were all really cool. I thought it was neat that God could be included in conversations...you didnt have to go looking for it, it was just there. SO FUN! Now we are getting ready to chill out...hope everyone is doing well :o) Tomorrow is our last day..and then SUPERBOWL! :o) haha later!

thoughts and thoughts

2005-02-02T21:21:00.000-08:00

My heart still somehow aches for you
I only think about you when I must
When a memory or reminder intrigues my being
It's amazing how my heart can still ache
Even after being shattered into a million peices...

That was how I was feeling tonight...anyway...

I watch smallville tonight with Micah and Elisa :o) It was fun stuff!!! And they made me hot chocolate...well actaully I made it...they just let me have it :o) haha so thanks guys!

Bill and I went to McD's tonight...it was nice to have someone to vent to and laugh with :o)

Angel and I got to play nintendo today! ROCK ON! lol I love when she plays it cuz she gets SO mad at the dang thing..she calls it stupid..cusses at it..you know the works..its great :o) HAHAH LOVE YOU ANGEL!

Jamie gave me his hat and now I wear it like nothing else! :o)

GOD BLESS YOU ALL!!!

Oh this is for fun...http://www.hotornot.com/r/?eid=BREQGEK&key=SKJ...check it out! :o) People do these all the time and it makes me laugh so I thought...hey why not...hahahaha Angel is supposed to do one too...hopefully she will. Later!

To JP...

2005-02-01T21:16:00.000-08:00

Pepsi is the Devil.... hahahaha....can't wait to hang out with ya'll again :o)

A song a wrote...hmph

2005-01-31T21:08:00.000-08:00

I wrote this song a long time ago...it applies to my life all over again...

Looking in the mirror
At the girl I see
Blue, bright eyes
Show the inner me
A hopeful spirit
That's waiting for you
People like me seem so few

Chorus
So I wait and pray for you each night
to love and to hold me, tell me everything is alright
No one sees the beauty I want them to see
Prove them all wrong...love the inside of me

I know that your waiting
For me too
Everything I am
Will be an answered prayer to you
We won't be alone, there's one more person
Our relationship with God...Father, Spirit, and Son

Chorus
So I wait and I pray for you each night
To love and to hold me tell me everything is alright
No one sees the beauty I want them to see
Prove them all wrong
Love the inside of me

Bridge
Maybe you think you won't be loved
By anyone but me
It doesnt really matter...
As long as you can see

That I wait and I pray for you each night
I will love and hold you and tell you everything is alright
I will see all the beauty that you have wanted someone to see
I can prove them all wrong...and love the inside of you....

People like me seem so few...
but I already love the inside of you

To whoever my guy is...I wrote this for you...and I am waiting for God's time.

the journey countinues

2005-01-30T23:26:00.000-08:00

I cannot believe the things God has shown me in the past month. Have you ever run from God so so so long...that He has to take you where you thought you could never go...just in order to follow what He had in store for you? That is my life right now... I ran away from Him for so long....but He is still here and He still loves me more than ever....here are my newest commitments...

Stay organized....when I get down or sad about things I tend to let things become unorganized...which in turn just brings me down more.

Read more.... I am working a book right now called "Gift Wrapped by God" it is about purity...I am hoping to read more books like it.

Stay focused... I am trying to be in the Word and in prayer. If you could pray for me I would APPRECIATE it :o)

Those are my main concerns for now. Tonight I went out with my good friend who I call..Ray Ray of the beautiful bay :o) She is such an encouragement and I am so thankful she is there for me. We had an awesome talk at Starbucks (yummy) and Bill caught up later. Fun times...

Even though I have people who care in my life, and people say they can see a huge weight off of my shoulders, it can still be so hard. I have to get back on my feet...and pretend that two years of my life didn't exist. I miss him...but this is what I have to do. I am so thankful for all of those who are praying for me. It means the world to me right now. God bless...

weekend is already over?!?!

2005-01-29T22:47:00.000-08:00

Well today was a good day. Bill was nice enough to invite me out with two of his friends and we all had a pretty good time. Except I got my butt kicked in monopoly!!!!!! haha good job ;o)

Last night I spent the evening with Angel and Jamie...it was nice. Angel put red highlights in my hair...but they kind of just blended instead. HA funny...but I think I like it. Jamie was cracking us both up like he normally does...oh and we ate a dozen donuts :o) And "the net" played on TV for like twelve hours straight and no one bothered to turn it :o) ha...ok random....

hmmm ok nothing else...later!

Written: September 30, 2004

2005-01-29T22:41:00.000-08:00

I met a guy who inspired me to countinue

writing....here is my favorite...

tell me if it sucks! haha

By the way this is the poem that

inspired the title

and theme of my blog...

Untitled Written by Jean Keller Once there was a doubt It knocked on my mind "Let me in" it cried So I opened the door I opened the door to doubt Once I did, I discovered That more of these doubts wanted to enter They came in, one by one Doubt by doubt They erased what I knew to be true And took over Doubts were flooding my mind Flooding and flooding Until I was drowning in them I was drowning in doubt I tried to reach for whatever could be found I clutched the lust of the eyes I clutched the lust of the mind I clutched to the lust of the world Of money and of greed I clutched to all the superficial things The things that wouldn't help me In the end...they just mulitiplied the doubts Finally I cried "LORD! How did all these doubts come about? Help me Lord! Only you can dry this sea Of doubts flooding in my mind" And...He did One by one....He took each doubt And proved it to be a lie He proved it to be insignificant The sea began to dry The sea suddenly didn't exsist And He took my hand And pulled me out of the canyon That was created by the doubts The flooding doubts

WOWZA!

2005-01-28T13:35:00.000-08:00

OK...so...lets start with yesterday. I went to work at the siding and I had like three people I work with...randomly come up to me and say that they have been thinking of me and that they hope I am doing ok. That meant a lot to me...I feel like I am starting to interact more with my coworkers there. Then I went out with Bill :o) We finally got to meet and it was so refreshing! I swear we have the same brain waves or something. He knew exactly where I was coming from on the whole Kevin thing...and I knew where he was going with his ex-gal...It was just nice to have a friend to talk to. So thanks Bill :o)

Then today I went to work...and it was soooo slow. I made FOUR DOLLARS IN TIPS! (I was only there for and hour and a half). Jeff...one of my favorite coworkers (he is old and awesome) had been working there all morning and made $40..and he split it with me! How nice is that??!!? He didn't have to at all...but he did..so I ended up with $22 ...isn't it cool how God blesses us? I also worked at the school today. One of the ladies that works there is from my church. She pulled me to the side and said "Jean...you seem so calm and relieved lately and I just wanted to let you know that you have been a big encouragement to me. I am praying for you" :o) *big grin* how cool is that?!?!

God is showing me that there are soooo many people out there that care about me and love me and just want the best for me in my life. I feel so free!

Good week

2005-01-26T23:56:00.000-08:00

This week was super hard. I told the guy I have been dating for the past two years...and been in love with for the past 4 years.....that I can't talk to him anymore. I mean...I can't hang out with him...I can't see him... I can't run to him...anymore. Strictly church. It was so hard...but he knew that it needed to be done. We both cried and held each other one last time. I didn't want to let go of him...and I had to feel his hot tears drip onto my shoulders. I think it was the hardest thing I have ever done...but also...the one choice that set me free. Now I am able to go on about God's will and do what I need to do to accomplish His will in my life. Please pray for me....

Even though all of that seems sad..it isn't...it is an answer to prayer. I am free...

Work has been good this week. I have been gettin good tips...makes me happy :o)

My family and I are getting along like never before....

I made an awesome new friend...Bill :o) We have so much in common and can relate to each other so well.

Barbara and Jonner...Thank you so much for sticking through all this with me!!! You two mean the world to me..and I realized today...that I don't tell you two that enough. I am SO thankful for your patience and love towars me...

Bill, Bohlmanns, and those I may not know about...thanks for praying me through!

It's amazing how things can fall into place when you listen to HIM...God Bless!

sigh

2005-01-25T22:44:00.000-08:00

Life is hard...God is good...I dont even know what to type tonight...I guess I will wait till my thoughts aren't so fuzzy....

Alone...but not

2005-01-24T22:21:00.000-08:00

I am surrounded by people who love me...people who care and who are there for me. But I am still so lonely. It's hard to get through all these emotions. I am being tugged in two directions...and I just want to be on the right path. I am not depressed...and I am not sulking...I am just wishing and wanting this pain I hide inside of me to go away. It is so deep and so hidden...it's like I dont want anyone to know it is there. But it is....I can feel it burying itself in me a little more everyday. I feel like people expect me to be over this...but I am not. How can I be after two years. Two years of trying and never being good enough. Two years of trying to be what he wanted me to be..instead of what He wanted me to be. Two years of conforming and trying...all for this. To feel nothing anymore. I love him but I need to completely let go. Completely...

I'm here without you baby, but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight..it's only you and me...

This song so applies to me right now...I the tormenting memory and dreams of him

Here is another song in my heart and on my lips...I love you Lord....

I dont understand Your ways, Oh but I will give You my song
I will give You all of my praise
You hold onto all of my pain, and with it You are pulling me closer
And pulling me into Your ways
Now around every corner, and up every mountain
I'm not searching for crowns anymore
Or the waters from fountains
Desperately seeking, frantic believing
That the sight of Your face is all I am needing
I will say to you...
You are going to be worth it, You are going to be worth it
You are going to be worth it

threes company

2005-01-24T22:14:00.000-08:00

Did you ever watch Three's Company? I think Jamie, Angel and I are a lot like that show. We are all so comfortable with each other...and we can make each other laugh and have a good time. We all play different parts...

Angel: She is the aggressive one...I mean...really independent. Sticks up for herself...gets what she wants when she wants. She is the one who keeps our little group on it's toes:o)

Jamie: He makes us laugh. We can be in the worst mood and he can make it all go away just by being his bright self! He is always letting us know how cool we are inside and out....:o)

Me: Well I honestly don't know what I contribute to our little group. Usually I am the one who just gets us together and decides what we will do. I think I have also been nominated the most "sheltered" of us all...you would be surprised the things they have to explain to my self...but besides that I am just there :o)

I appreciate them both so much!

Lessons to learn

2005-01-22T10:05:00.000-08:00

Have you ever done something that you just KNEW would hurt another person if they found out? I mean like...devestate them...make them wanna not be around you anymore...hurt them so bad that they cant possibly be mad...just torn? Well I did that to someone. And the worst part is....I hide it from them...not for long, maybe a week. When they found out last night they were only mad for like....two minutes. Then it was hurt and betrayal and all the things I wouldn't have wanted it to be. How low do I feel today? Pretty low....they still forgave me. They are still here for me after I did that to them. I know I am only human...but man do I feel like dirt. I tired to appoligize more than once...the response? "Hey..it's over... yeah I am gonna hurt...but it's over and I forgive you and still care for our frienship..." Then all this made me think...I need to approach my relationship with God more like this. SO many times I do something...and I ask God to forgive me...but not like I did last night. I mean last night...I was begging. With God it is just expected that He will forgive me. But shouldn't I be on my hands and knees more..just begging...asking Him to possibly forgive me for the cruel, wicked things I do. Half the time it is more like...Oh God will forgive me...He always does. or ...oh I don't have to ask about that sin...it is to small. YES God DOES forgive us everytime...but the point is...our approach. He is such an amazing God. He understands the way we are and why we do things...because He created us with the feelings we have. Wow. Eyes opened...

Eyes are opened
Mind is near Thee
Please Lord help
To cleanse and fill me
All I want
Is Your forgiveness and love
Nothing sweeter
Can come, but from above
Everlasting love?
Oh how sweet!
My Savior died
And my sins did defeat
To be forgiven
I have well sought
But oh to walk with thee
Is fascinating thought

God Bless...have a great weekend!

Work work work

2005-01-21T14:04:00.000-08:00

Working two jobs...can really suck sometimes. Haha...no I really do like to waitress. Yesterday I have to admit I had a bad attitude. I seriously thought we should have closed because no one came in to eat...but then at 6:30 we had 30 people come in all at once...and I was the only waitress. So God gave me good tips...and blessed me even after I was all crabby. He's so cool isnt He? :o)

i have no idea what to put as a title

2005-01-20T11:01:00.000-08:00

It is so snowy and cold out today. The kind of day I want to just put on some pajama pants and a big 'ol hoodie and cuddle up to a book with a big mug of hot cocoa. Unfortunately I have to work both of my jobs today...so that won't be happening. I did get a chance to play some nintendo though :o)

STAR WARS EPISODE III is coming out in MAY!!!!! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I am soooo excited! I saw the trailer...TWICE! And held my breath through both times of watching it. I can't wait to see the movie that ties this INCREDIBLE adventure together! (in case you can't tell or didn't know... I love star wars). My favorite characters would have to be...well all the characters are cool...but I will just pick one from each episode hahaha :o) Qui Gon Jin is so cool in Episode I but unfortunately he dies...and when that happened so did my heart (haha cheesy eh?) He is my ULTIMATE FAVORITE. Then you have Anakin in Episode II, I love how the evil character in him starts to be revealed. Episode III I still have to decide :o) obviously. In A new Hope I would have to say Han Solo...what a rebel! Empire strikes back... I think I would have to say Boba Fett...I have always liked him...he is in Return of the Jedi also :o) So there you have it...a bit of information you may not have known about me.

I have been listening to Cole Porter music a whole bunch lately (haha random enough for ya?) I love it! I wish I could have lived in the 20's how cool would that have been? Anyway...if only I could sing for a career *sigh* that would be the neatest thing...but I know I would never make it.

Hope you are all staying warm out there!!! God Bless :o)

sick

2005-01-17T18:03:00.000-08:00

today I woke up...sicker than sick. LOL... I tried to ask my little brother where the hunny is...instead it sounded like this..."so we hab any huddy so I can put it in my tea?" he was all like...HUDDY??? HOODY??? What are you saying? I was like...HUDDY! lol H-U-ED-ED-Y...huddy! When he found out what I was saying he died laughing. I thought it was pretty entertaining..good thing I didnt have to work today. I could just imagine trying to take someone's order. :o) have a good one!

Music

2005-01-14T13:11:00.000-08:00

Ever have a song you listen to...over and over...and it just makes everything feel so much better?

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/duncansheik/halflife.html

enjoy!

Struggles

2005-01-13T21:44:00.000-08:00

Today I struggled with everything going on..but God was good to me once again and made everything so clear to me. I AM DOING THE RIGHT THING! And I just have to keep that in my head.

So I have been just praying alot latley about guys...and I dont even want a guy for a while. A long while. I just want to build friendships and wait for the right one.

I am so thankful that God had put so many awesome people in my life to take care of me and just be there and support me when I thought I was all alone. All the people I have abandoned are still here for me and it just blows my mind....

God Bless you all...Remember that everyday should be a day of new growth!

The hardest thing....

2005-01-11T21:46:00.001-08:00

Today I set myself free...and killed my heart all at once. Kevin talked to me about wanting to get back together...and I told him....no. He couldn't see my tears on this side of the conversation...he couldn't feel my pain. All he knew was the word...no. He has no idea how much I love him...how devastated I feel when I get up in the morning...he has no idea that I want to be with him soooo bad. He just knows that I said no. It was so hard...but so right at the same time. God is saying no and I must go with that. I KNOW this is what He wants and I will not turn my back on Him this time. I have done it too many times and I won't compromise. Wow it is like a sacrafice when you think about it. I gave up the one thing I was sure I loved the most here on this earth...for the One who I love the most in everything I do. That is the way it must be. Thank you Lord for you strength. James 1:2-4 Read it....

Fun stuff

2005-01-10T22:50:00.000-08:00

I got my hair cut today..my friend did it for me and I love it! It's not really short or anything...same length just trimmed and lots of layers. I am gonna start wearing it down more (Jonathan hahaha!!)

Have I ever told you about my brother? HE IS AWESOME! He is like becoming a beast because he is about 5'10"...you have to understand my mom and I are 5'6" and my dad is 5'4" so he is huge. He is gonna be 16...and I just love messing around with him :o) He is tons of fun. Today we hung out a little it was cool.

Hmm I think that is about all out of my day...think think...OH! I slept through the first part of work today because my alarm didnt go off! HAHA go me ;o) later

learning

2005-01-10T22:32:00.000-08:00

So I have learned more in the past 3 days than I have in the last two years...at least that is what it feels like. I have totally seen God's plan in all that has happened! It is so amazing that He has been this patient for me to open up my eyes. Also it is amazing that He used the past two years to teach me this lesson. I am so flat out amazed and baffled. I give all the glory to Him. I have never felt so confident...so relieved...so free....like I just don't have to depend on "what if's" anymore. I know I am gonna struggle though..there will be days I will want the past back and days that I will not even know how to get up out of bed (like today...the emptiness inside was so much I thought I was gonna break down) but I also know that God will still be there holding me and understanding(like he did today). He created me and these emotions inside of me...so He will know the perfect solution. Today I didn't know what to do or who to go to. I called a dear friend of mine and he was a huge help...just asking me how my day was and asking me if I was holding true to the commitment I made this past weekend...telling me everything was for the best...just reminding me...so thanks Chris :o) I know I am gonna be ok because I have so many people supporting me...they always do though.

Thank you so much Lord for just opening my eyes and choosing the perfect time for me to grow and learn. Please forgive me for my stubborn ways. I am willing to wait for your perfect plan and I am willing to wait for whoever you have out there for me to fall in love with. Lord please help me to keep you my first love...and Lord help me to be content if there are no other loves in my life...just help me to be content in Your will.

God bless....

breaking up...may not be that hard to do...

2005-01-08T22:13:00.000-08:00

sometimes things that you dread happening...happen..and when they do..you find they are for the best. A weird/unexpected event happened today. I always thought the day this happened I wouldn't be able to go on...but it happened. And I am ok. I am actually...relieved and free. And when I look back on it...it was just a perfect plan from God waiting to happen...to me it seemed to happen out of nowhere...but to God...He was carefully forming all of this into His will. It amazes me how perfect He is and how calm He has made me today...This is a day that the Lord made and I will rejoice and be glad in it. :o) God Bless you all

flattered!

2004-12-22T20:21:00.000-08:00

I have a friend who lives in Maine. He is in the Navy and works on planes. Well he came home for christmas...we went to high school together. We were talking and he got to talking about his dating life. He said...." I actually wish I just had a girl to come home to..even when I go overseas...just to keep up my apartment for me....and to hug me and hold me when I get home." I thought that was pretty sweet...but then the conversation went in a totally different direction! He said "Jean, if you and Kevin ever break up you should come up there and live with me. I could pay your car payments for you and I could pay your rent and food until you could get a part time job...but you wouldn't have to worry about much... I would take complete care of you. I would take you to lakes to fish...lakes that would take 4 hours to hike...and I would take you snowboarding. AND I would take you with me to Japan next year and pay for you to live over there while I am training some more. So seriously...if you ever need a switch...consider me." I honestly didn't know what to say...at first he sounded like he was joking...up until the ... So seriously...if you ever need a switch...consider me... Man...having that life would be awesome....only it wouldn't be with that person. I love Kevin so much and I am so proud of his walk with God. His leadership and love is overwhelming to me...and is ten times more important than what the other person offered me. I mean all that would be great...but what is it without love...and without God. Made me think about the important things...and how important Kevin is and how much I love him.

Nintendo- double the fun

2004-12-22T20:13:00.000-08:00

My brother got me a nintendo....it is so fun! I love it...I really really do! I have wanted one for the longest time....my parents got rid of my other one when I was in Jr. High. Well last night Kevin invited me over and told me to bring only one of the gifts that I got him for Christmas. I was a little confused but I did it anyway. When I opened his gift...it was a nintendo. I looked up at him...because I knew that he had already seen the gift Guy had given me. He said " are you confused?" Turns out that Guy (brother) and Kevin(boyfriend) got the nintendos at the same time but when they found out..it was too late. But both of them worked it out and decided to keep one here and one at Kevin's...that way I could play wherever I was :o) HOW SWEET IS THAT!?!? I know they both worked really hard to look for them and to even pay for them. (It was about 150 dollars for the both of them!!) AND they were both so so so worried that it wouldn't be as special...but to me it made it twice as special. I love my two boys :o) and their effort to make me happy!

A Vintage Christmas

2004-12-22T20:02:00.000-08:00

Our family had our Christmas on Monday since everyone will be scattered on the "real" Christmas day. Everyone ended up getting something that reminded them of their past in one way or another. Dad got the Mary Poppins DVD from my brother and I (when Guy and I were smaller we used to stay up with Dad to watch it. We would all get our sleepin bags out and pull our movies like...The Shaggy Dog, That Darn Cat, and Mary Poppins. Then we would all fall asleep.) When Dad opened his gift...he cried. Mom got her childhood charm bracelet expanded so that it could fit...Dad did that for her. She also got the Jetsons DVD which is her favorite...and that was from Guy. And I gave her a memory frozen....a picture from a past fishing trip in a decorated frame. Guy got the Popeye DVD because that was his favorite as a kid. And I got a nintendo from my brother :o) He saved up three months allowance to get it...and it toko him 6 months to find one. I used to have one as a kid. It was really a great family Christmas!

Thursday Night

2004-12-19T19:55:00.000-08:00

There you stood before me....your eyes showing the fury that came from your heart. My heart was pounding faster and faster. I only put myself in this situation to help a loved one...at this moment I wasn't sure if it was the best decision. You screamed in my face...I couldn't even hear the words...I could only see the fury in your eyes...I could only feel the spit as it rudely spattered on my face. I could only see you charging me more and more...trying to intimidate me with your hurricane of anger. The walls you punched around us didn't upset me as much as the fact that you through a bookcase that came my way. I tried to get my friend to leave..."It's time to go..." I said almost begging...did that stop you? No. You continued to show your fury and rage. Grabbing her...yelling at me. I knew I was in trouble when the massive chocolate lab ran off to the corner just to avoid what you might do. At that moment I was praying "oh dear God...where are you right now...". I don't know how but we managed to get to the stairs and as we started to leave...you got so mad....so mad that we would dare to try and escape you. You shoved past me...and if my friend wouldn't have caught me I really don't know what would have happened... I am sure at the time it seemed 100 times worse than it would have if I had accidentally fell. When we came to my house I just cried and shook. My friend and I held each other...I am so glad that God is there.

These are a few of my favorite things

2004-12-18T21:29:00.000-08:00

I just thought I would share some of my favorite feelings....items....smells....just things that make each day a little better....

*Salvation, daily prayer, and worship
*My best friend, Kevin who is always there for me and understand me perfectly
*people I trust and care about
*any kind of tea
*coffee...with way too much sugar and cream
*rainy days
*snowy days
*change of season
*when I make eye contact with a cute stranger
* having a refreshing conversation with a fellow believer
* talking to a loved one on the phone who is miles away
*Hugs and kisses..being told that I am appreciated
*Being flirted with when I look dreadful
*Finding new blogs
*getting responses on my blog
*knowing that someone looks up to me or appreciates me
*being told that I am growing spiritually
*being told that I am a good waitress...haha
*Christmas :o)
*cards and stuffed animals and things of sentiment
*writing a good thought...or even reading one

there are some for now...maybe I will add more later....bye!

sorry

2004-12-18T21:26:00.000-08:00

I havent blogged in a while and I am truely sorry for that. I have had so many confusing things happen this week and I just didn't even know what to write. They are all really personal...even to the point that I can't put them on here. Thanks for your prayers...those of you who have been praying....and don't worry! I am not upset or down...just busy and pondering :o) c ya!

Humbling myself in the sight of the Lord

2004-12-13T23:25:00.000-08:00

Here I have fallen again Lord

I need your help to lift me up

Please just lift me up

I am so sorry

Seems I have fallen in discouragement

Take my hand

Lord, please just take my hand

And wipe away

All the things I have done

Just wipe them all away

Here are the things

I have trouble trying to admit

Take them and erase them

All my doubt and fear

It's Yours

And only Yours

I am crying out

I know You can hear me

I know You love me

Please rescue me from what I feel to be...

Empty

Empty and alone

Only You can fill this void...

Just take my hand

Here I am

Bowing

Falling

Giving

What I have left to give

James 1:2-4 "My brethren count it all joy when you fall into various trials. Knowing the the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."

O Holy Night

2004-12-13T23:19:00.000-08:00

http://www.carols.org.uk/ba32-o-holy-night.htm This is my favorite Carol...FALL ON YOUR KNEES! It doesnt get much better than that....man just to humble yourself that much...to just fall.... I mean really really think of it. I sang it in church the other day and I was thinking as I was standing up there " I dont deserve to be singing this". It is so powerful... it shouldnt be brought about only at Christmas but the whole year!

stupid 19 year old girls....

2004-12-13T21:09:00.000-08:00

That is what you are gonna think after reading this blog. I think I am just falling farther and farther. I try so hard to stand back up but I just feel as though everyday I fall again. I try to do something to make situations better....and then I am stabbed. I am like screaming in my head...WHY GOD?!?! and I know I have no right to do that....but I am hurting so much. I seriously am having one of those days where my stomach is in my throat and I can feel my nerves shooting through my body...even in my fingers...that is how upset I am. I dont want sympathy I dont want anyone to feel sorry..I just want to know that others go through this... that there are answers... where is God...that is how I feel. I am doubting myself...even when I thought I was gettin back up and everything was going to be ok. I am trying to humble myself before God....but how can I do that when I am nothing to begin with? I just need prayer...please...

Secret Friend

2004-12-12T20:39:00.000-08:00

I have a secret friend....no one even knows we talk. I see him every once in a while...we just walk past each other as if we don't know each other...but if you look very closely...we catch each others eye. We know so much about each other...no one would ever guess. I see him about once or twice a month. We talk mostly online because he is away at school..and no it isn't who you think it is....I am serious...like ...NO ONE KNOWS! :o) Kinda funny how some things are like that.

Crazy weather

2004-12-09T22:28:00.000-08:00

Can you believe I was wearing no coat today? Merry Christmas?

insecurity

2004-12-08T21:36:00.000-08:00

The people who know me the best in my life no one thing about me. I ....hate....my ankles,legs, thighs. It is the one thing about me that I cannot stand. My biggest insecurity....so big it is almost an obsession. I joke about my ankles all the time...I think it is because I would rather make fun of them before someone else can get a chance to. I don't really even have ankles...I tell people that God forgot my ankle and just attatched a foot on the bottom of my leg which makes ppl laugh and joke with me too. I will not wear shorts in the summer...and I rarelys wear anything that shows any of my legs. I HATE THEM!

Well I have been trying to come up with ways to slim them down and exercise but nothing seems to work. (It just seems that I am supposed to have unproportionate legs. It's not like they are fat...they are just really thick. Am I supposed to have an average upper half and an unproportionate lower half?) Anyway about the exercising...I have been trying and trying and the only thing that is happening is toning...no sliming...just more muscle. So tonight my boyfriend, Kevin, suggested an exercise. He showed me how to do it. He laid on his back on his exercise bench and held onto the post behind his head and brought his legs up in the air so that they made a 90 degree angle with the rest of his body. Not only did this work the thighs but the abs too. He told me to try it next. I tried...but I only got about 65 degrees. I was so embarassed. I wanted to just cry. Kevin didn't say a word. He came over and told me to try again and when I argued with him telling him I couldn't do it...he simply said..I know you can. I tried again and when I got to about 70 degrees he pushed them up just enough to help me....he did this everytime....just helping me the little bit of the way....I was able to do about 80 degrees on my own by the end of ten leg lifts...but he still helped me get to 90 degrees. Afterward I thanked him and told him how insecure that was for me and how I almost wanted to cry. Him helping me made me feel ignorant and ashamed at my body. He said something I won't forget..." It's ok to ask for help, Jean..and no you are not ignorant.....and when I help you it isn't because I want to show you what you can't do...it is just that I want to show you that I am here if you need me, I'm not here to put you down...I just want to help you." That made me think so much. It was really sweet of him...and I realized that I can be totally comfortable with him now...even with my stupid thighs. I also learned another thing....

God does the same thing with us...we want to reach our goals and we want to do it on our own. but in all reality...we need Him to push us and get us started. He is there not to show us how weak we are...just to show us we can lean on Him....

what a cool thing!

2004-12-07T22:10:00.001-08:00

I guess I am really not done adding to my blog for the evening/morning...whichever it is. I am also very thankful for friends right now. Seriously...I would have fallen apart today if it weren't for a few people I know. It was just one of those days...where I knew that all I needed was God...but God knew that if I didn't have human comfort I would just fall apart. Right now I am craving just a huge hug right now. Know what I mean? Ever want to just hug someone and cry and cry and they just...don't care...they are just there. That's the best way I can describe how I am feeling right now. I am such a girl. SIGH~ have to get up like 7/8 hours...depending on how presentable I want to be for work ;o) Lord...please let this day be better! PLEASE!

wow...

2004-12-07T21:58:00.000-08:00

Satan was really working over time in my life today. I think he tried to get at me from every angle...family...friends...even physical harm (i cut myself hahah) but he cannot conquer me...only because I have the Lord. I can not imagine what would happen if I did not have Christ...I would have no hope and I would just want to end my existance! Ever have days where you feel like this? I seriously could have wadded myself up into a corner and bawled the whole day away....things to pray about...

*my family....haha you dont want to know really you dont
*my daily walk
*financial troubles.....BLAH!
*kevin and his job searching

thanks a whole bunch!

haha between me and a dear friend

2004-12-06T21:43:00.000-08:00

IMYJ

kids

2004-12-06T10:22:00.000-08:00

In recent blogs I have talked about how I am a recess monitor. I love it! It is so fun. The kids make me laugh so hard at times. Then at times they say the cutest things. WELL today I was having problems with one of my 1st graders. He has family trouble and seems to bring it to school with him. His name is Phillip. Well tubby little Austin (who has the cutest smile and longest eyelashes I have ever seen) comes over to me and says with a sad puppy face "M...Ms. Keller...Phillip just cussed at me and it wudn't very nice." I looked at Austin and told him that I would go over and talk to Phillip....as I was heading over to Phillip another girl came accusing Philip of the same crime. I went over and talked to Phillip...Austin and Megan following behind me just to make sure I could handle it on my own ;o) Phillip appoligized to both and then went on his was to play again. Then Austin said "M...Ms. Kell...er.... we aren't 'possed to cuss until we are all growed up like you..right?" and I looked at him and said... "Well Austin I try my best not to cuss..." and before I could finish anything I had planned to say Austin said..." OH! That's right...you know better than that." And ran off to play!

by the way

2004-12-05T21:39:00.000-08:00

The previous post....those answers to my prayers...happened in less then two days :o) He is so awesome!

Earnestly Seeking

2004-12-05T21:33:00.000-08:00

In my "post high school" sunday school class we have been talking about how we are to earnestly seek the Lord. We have been talking about how if you seek the Lord's will....He will give you the desires of your heart....it makes sense...because if you are truely seeking Him...then His desires quickly become yours. I am trying to apply this to my life more and more lately. Sometimes it is hard to just ...pray about something. I find myself all wrapped up in the things I need or want to get done in the day...that I just forget to pause...breath...and just ask. I did it the other day though. I was so stressed out at work. I need enough money to pay for my car...but Christmas is here too. I was praying to God saying "Lord! I really really need your help. I know you can do this because you can do anything! All the money in this world is yours and I am just asking for enough to help me make it through this month and to get my loved ones something special." He went above and beyond the little prayer request! I made enough to pay my bills for the month...get some christmas gifts....gas...(offering of course) and I even had some left over tonight to get McDonalds. Lesson learned...I need to be seeking His council more!

Relaxed evening

2004-12-05T20:15:00.000-08:00

Tonight church was cancelled on account of a buisness meeting that took place this afternoon. ( We always cancel evening church if we have a buisness meeting.) So I went over to Kevin's for the evening and had such a relaxing time! We made some delicious parfaits and then we watched Envy and played Clue :o) I could have stayed in his arms all night...I was so tired and lazy and he is just so comfortable. HAHA I am a dork.